This was taken on a rare day that I put on a full face of makeup and did my hair. Ah, classic bathroom selfies...
Hello everyone! I hope you are having a great day. I thought I would sit down and write out a few updates here. There have been so many topics running through my mind lately that I've been wanting to spill out onto somewhere permanent, and my son is taking a long nap right now, so what better time than now!
Lately, I have had a lot of inner turmoil. Nothing too unbearable, just realizing things about myself that I don't like, and coming to grips with that, and then trying to make a plan to improve myself and get to a good place within myself. For an example, I have noticed I am quick to anger with my son, something that I truly HATE about myself. I consider myself to be a relatively calm person, but...toddlers man, they're crazy. All you Moms know what I'm talking about. I love my son, and he can be a(adorable and mischievous) hand full, and sometimes I hear myself yelling far too loudly at something that he's done. I am ashamed and disappointed in myself in those moments, but instead of just apologizing to him and then forgetting about it, I try to really take a deep deep breath, tell myself this is not the person you want to be, and make a conscious effort to be better. Lincoln is an amazing, smart, and crazy insane ball of energy 24/7, and I would like for him to remember me as a loving, supportive, and fun Mom, not the Mom who loses her temper far too often. That would break my heart.
Something that I've had to come to terms with recently, is that I will never stop improving and learning. I guess when I was 15, I thought I would know exactly who I was by the time I was almost 30. I thought I would finally know what I wanted to " be " when I grew up. I would have a career, and a home and EVERYTHING figured out. I basically figured I would be a perfect robot person? Haha. Each day I grow older, I realize I am still floundering around, trying to still be comfortable with my own opinions, my own body, and my own uncertainty about what I truly want from life. I have come SO FAR from being a naive homeschooled girl, who was sheltered and was scared to express her opinions even about the littlest things. But, I know I still have a long way to go...and I don't know if I'll ever feel like I " know " who I am. I'm sure I will realize what I like and what I don't like more as I age, but that is not as scary now as it was when I was still young. Now I know how to face the uncertainty of the world with a little more bravery and optimism, and less self-doubt.
Speaking of uncertainty, probably one of the biggest challenges my little family will face is coming up....We are moving to Florida!!! My husband got a job in the Orlando area, and we are going to be moving late this summer. I can't tell you how long I've wanted this. Ever since I first went there, maybe I was 6, but idk, I was very little haha. Surrounded by the warm breezes, the palm trees, the smell of salt in the air...it felt like my place. I know, I know, there are far more glamorous or magical places to move than Florida, but I honestly don't know why I've felt such a connection to that sunshiney state, I just feel at home when I'm there. Kyle and I have talked about moving there ever since we started dating, and now it might actually, truly happen.
Don't get me wrong, I'M TERRIFIED. I've never lived anywhere else but my hometown in the good old midwest of Illinois. I don't know how to move across a country. I don't know how we're going to get there with our toddler(please God help me...) but it's happening. We're finally taking this step. And I'm ready. I'm so ready to learn new street names. Learn new roads, new restaurants, new friends, new favorite places. I feel like I really need that change and that challenge right now. I've felt like we've needed to move away for a good 2 years...and this dream is coming true. I mean, you have to follow your dreams, right? That's what all of those Pinterest inspirational quotes say, so I have to. I just have to.
So yes, super exciting, super scary stuff coming. And yes, my brain has been going in a million different directions this week, thanks for asking. Life just seems a little overwhelming, a little magical, a little stressful, and a little challenging all rolled up into one these days. But when is it not all of those things? * Sigh * Sometimes it's hard being a human...